we had my idea of a perfect date, we ate pizza on the floor and watched Amy Schumer and comedy videos, and talked, and just had so much chemistry and energy between us.
but then she instigated the “what do you want out of this” conversation, which led to the “this is bad timing” conversation. And I totally get it, I leave LA in less than a month, and she leaves in less than 2 months, we live across the country from each other. She also said, very vaguely, that she is unable to give me what I want, because I’m not very experienced, she doesn’t really know how to be that person for me. Which I totally understand.
But then she kissed me again, and we made out for a bit. And she told me I’m a good kisser. And I’m not really hurt, I’m just sad. I’m sad that this couldn’t be something more, because we really fit, and I really like her, and timing sucks and feelings suck, and I just want to go further with this. But we can’t.
so she walked me to my car and we hugged and it was weird, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. And I’m confused and turned on and sad.
Tonight I met Sarah Silverman. It was so incredible.
I said hi and started to tell her how much of an inspiration she is to me, and she held out her hand and asked my name. She is so nice and genuine. Actually taking the time to meet me, instead of just brushing off the encounter with a “thanks” like some people do.
I thanked her for putting so much intelligence into her humor, and actually talking about issues, like women’s rights and depression (though I didn’t name those specifically), instead of just talking about dating and guys. And she told me “but don’t be afraid to be dumb.”
I told her that I’m a wannabe comedian, and she wished me good luck, and initiated a hug, and said “aw you’re so sweet!.”
It’s so amazing when you meet your heroes and they don’t disappoint, but instead reinforce why they are your inspiration. I love Sarah, and her raw, blunt look at the world. She has battled depression, and has always used humor as a coping strategy, like me. She inspires me to be a smart comic, even when being a dumb comic is so much easier and well-received.
Now I’m basically crying in my bed because of all the embarrassing things I said tonight and how I sounded so stupid and needy and eager. Why do I ever even try and talk, I just sound so stupid and embarrassing when I speak. I’m such an idiot, I can’t go to sleep, I can’t stop going over this 2 minute conversation in my head, like annie doesn’t give a shit about my life or what I think of her. She didn’t even hug me. I’m such a wannabe, I basically sounded drunk, just saying whatever, just so happy to be talking to her. I’m such an idiot.
my favorite groundling doesn’t hate me! we talked for a bit tonight, I don’t know why I was worried. She’s so nice.
I’m worried about her. I think she’s sad. She’s gone through a lot, and I just want to make it ok. But it’s weird to worry about someone who isn’t really a friend, because I can’t do anything for her. I can’t make her feel better, or take away the shit that’s happened in her life. And I want to. I want to make everyone happy, and help everyone find love. And I can’t, so I’m stuck here worrying about people who don’t worry about me.
So I really like kissing girls ok let’s do this 24/7 why do I have to do anything else now Jesus there are so many girls to kiss
we went to a diner after my improv class and talked for like 2 hours. Then we went back to her apartment and sat on the roof and talked for 2 more hours… I really like her. She does special effect makeup, and is working on screenplays, and she loves all my comedy ladies and watches the same shows.
we kissed, and it was my first real kiss (the ones with guys don’t count because I hated them and they never felt right). This felt so right and great, and now I can’t stop obsessing over maybe I’m a bad kisser, or maybe I like her too much or whatever.
but it was great, and I’m am SO gay
I think I’m going on a date tomorrow
Here is Kristen’s full Elle interview!
Well it’s a week before my period, time to hate myself, question everything I’ve ever done, and give up on my dreams.